[x]

RelapseIt’s like counting
Saturn’s rings,
hash marks
along your limbs -
remembering a time
when

‘just one more’

made you feel better.

- & you’re sitting there
wondering why
Draco, stuck in limbo
always looks like he’s

falling.

Does that make me Different?I wear make up. Does that make me fake?
I cry. Does that make me emo?
I have male friends. Does that make me slutty?
I smile a lot. Does that make me weird?
I laugh loud. Does that make me preppy?
I have anxiety. Does that make me a freak?
I have Bipolar Disorder. Does that make me abnormal?
I respect people. I change for me, and only me. I have a past, but I know I have a future.
Does that make me different?
Maybe.
But at least it makes me
Me.

UneditedWe cry.
We scream.
We fight for our dream.

We scream.
We cry.
We're just waiting to die.

The same emotions
with a different drive.
Sometimes dead, sometimes alive.

The same in one way,
different in another
brother and sister, sister and brother.

So close in feeling,
so different in the end.
Falling apart, or finally on the mend?

Which am I?
Will I ever know?
Fighting to stay or ready to go?

Maybe I'm both,
in some impossible way.
Emotions oddly mixed everyday.

Wouldn't surprise.
I'm such a freak.
Excuse me, I laugh, I should call it "unique"

Battle in my MindEat.
Don't eat.
Take it easy.
Work out until you pass out.
Get help.Tell someone.
Keep it a secret. It's only for you and me.
You're perfect.
You're worthless.
You're beautiful.
You're disgusting.
Why won't you listen?
They don't understand.
Let me help you.
You don't understand.
Show me.
No!
I love you..

WorthlessWorthless,
the name that cuts like a knife,
Me,
it's all that you see inside,
My heart,
is breaking with every breath I take
The lies,
the only thing I can't seem to face.

In The Daylight

In The Daylight

A false downfall
An unexpected revival

Sunset to moonset
Shining through darkness

Life...redefined
Death...redesigned

In the valley of promises- I will fear no end
On the brink of weakness- I will ascend
-
Roads of the toughest
Paths of the darkest

I conditioned my flawed limits
So fearful memories won't be paralytic

I had to raise my own spirit
Strength and endurance become so vivid

A chance for change / A moment of fate
A time to make peace / A brief feeling of creed
A sealing of my slate / A silencing of my mistakes
A secret ready to be freed / A chain soon-to-be incomplete

Pain and peace are infinite
Judge the wrat

wallflower clippingsthere's scar tissue in her throat,
swollen around the words she never said;
dark rings around her eyes
like planets unremembered, and
a staleness to her touch,
the crystalline Dead Sea.

she's living like a story
that's already been told
"if no one loved you
would you mean anything at all?"

in that moment,
we forget to exist.

Ode to the boy with diamonds for eyesI think we were a collision course waiting to happen
And when I think back to the day when we first
Stumbled across one another, red sneakers hanging off gutters
Cherry cola voice overs and dilated pupils
We led one another on to believe in the night sky of connect the dot constellations

You wanted to dissect me and peer into the insides of my lungs
Only to find witches breath and dandelions
Slicing iron vowels you locked your hands in mine
And we fell into the static of dreaming disease
The operating table broke away to reveal a sky that never existed
And we couldn't help but laugh at the irony
Because wishing was never an option
The ane

We are the King and Queen of Broken DreamsStanding still in a mine field, staring at all we have left.
We were so young, we didn’t stop to think.
Now we’re in a car crash, teetering on the brink.
If you were to leave me now, I don’t know what I’d do.

It was a whirl wind romance,
A light when all was black, a spark of something when all was bleak.
You swept me off my feet and made me feel brand new.
I thought we could live forever and I’m certain you did to.

We built a house without foundations
And now we’re falling down,
Everything’s crumbling around us, time slipping through out fingertips.
People used to walk past us but they were to drunk to see,
That our lives are coming apart around us, there is no light as far as we can see.

There was no fire to start with,
Just two broken things, the world had left behind.
The casualties of other people’s dreams of power, money and control,
Spat out onto the curb to rot away and die.
We never stood a chance or so

Our MasksThe masks we wear are perfect
Never loose and rarely tight
They keep us safe from others
And keep our demons out of sight

They smile when we are broken
And laugh when we simply must
No blemish or imperfection
A creation that will never rust.

I seldom ever remember
Who I am without my mask
That to peel off that layer
Is such a daunting task

All others carry one as well
Wherever they may go
And no matter what is on their minds
Only the molded mask will show.

The lies they preach in public
Or the scars along their wrists
Are left mute to others knowledge
Ignorance is such a splendid gift

My mask is oh so perfect
Not a crack will show
Alway

LonelyLonely.
Unnoticed.
People don't even look
when they walk by.
Always ignored...
Nobody even asks my ideas,
my opinion.
Nobody even knows
who I am.
When people see me,
they either ignore me,
or ask a question:
"Who are you?"
But they don't even bother
to listen to my response:
"I'm Canada."
Forgotton.
Forgotton by everyone.
Forgotton by my friends, my allies.
Maybe one day
Someone will remember my name.
Canada.

Her SideTomorrow she'll be gone,
but what can you say?
Nothing can help her.
The pain won't go away.

But she would've stopped,
you could've said no.
That's what she wanted,
someone to say don't go.

That someone wanted her,
or at least would try.
That someone would grieve
if she were to die.

But you just stared,
nodding your head,
and she realized the truth
with a feeling of dread.

No one wanted her.
No one cared.
Not even you,
with the the love you shared.

So she said good-bye,
and you watched her leave.
She may have had the rope,
but now you can't breathe.

Falling off the EdgeDo you know what it feels like?
To nearly fall off the edge,
but not quite...
just so that you're dangling;
clinging for your worthless life
lest it fall into the sea of loneliness.
Your callused, pink fingers turning
to a shade of purplish-red of pain
as it does it best to hold on.

Splash.

In the sea of loneliness,
everything is crisp, translucent.
There is nothing around you,
you are alone...
unlike other people,
you have no one
clamouring to save you;
you have no one
diving in to get you out.

There is no point
screaming for help,
you will only waste
the little time and air you have left.
You only have the darkness
of the sea envelop

Honesty Written

from the

heart.

No eraser.

Lost In ConfusionLost In Confusion

My mind is spinning without a rest
Emotions whirl and twirl around
A merry-go-round gaining speed
Until the world blurrs before my eyes
What's happening? What's going on?

The simplest thought slips away
Right from my mind, fading so fast
Trying to focus, I stare and stare
Until my eyes are heavy and unclear.
I don't understand, what is going on..

Emotions rise and fall again
Within the blink of an eye
I'm crying, laughing, and depressed
A roller-coaster ride that never ends
Am I losing my mind in this?

I try to close my eyes and rest
But the world spins me around
I feel like I am failing this test
Voices and noises echo

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Burnt PopcornI cremated a bag of popcorn in my microwave...
and it's honestly not that bad...

but each individual piece tastes like a memory forgotten,
smokey and warm, like campfires in autumn...

if I close my eyes while the soft skin of the piece melts on my tongue,
I can imagine the crinkle of fire and the sparks of fallen ashes...
the miraculous image of twirling smoke against Orion's Belt...

And the harsh, reawakening sounds of pulling the individual black pieces of wood back into the center, raking the powdery ashes into a circle, and realigning every smokey brick...

And even though we never shared a campfire before, I really would like to..

Hurtful RecognitionsWhat torturous hearts we have...

           where we fall in "like" .....
                    with those who are already in "love".........

What tempting memories pass under my eyes...

            knowing the truth of reality...

FrustrationI just want to bang my head against the wall,
and let the scars rebleed,
I'm trying to heal myself,
but never succeed.

Every word is hidden behind the secret sets of stone,
What I really mean is mine,
and mine to know, alone.

I can never be happy,
I can never be free,
I can never love someone meant just for me,
I can never exist without loving someone,
Who can never love me in return....

I just want to break every glass, every mirror, memories passed,
And every picture,
I just want to scream so loud,
that you'll be astounded,
and you'll never know,
that I can never be happy,
I can never be free,
I can never love someone th

Haunted Fields of IndigoWhy do I find myself wandering these haunted fields,
Following a shadow of a spirit...

Pulled by the barbed wire wrapped around my throat,
and the poison threatening my blood....

Desperate glances behind, remind me,
that I can't help the way I feel...

But why do I find my self confessing my heart's true song,
To a moon that will never hear...

Here I am, my knees bloodied and torn in the dried, tarnished straw,
I can only imagine the luscious taste of sweet moon's light...

But here I am, bound by my love, bound for all eternity,
my love for those who cannot return it to me...

I will never find my way,
out of these haunted fields

You, Just YouYou…..you make me think of,
Soothing lavender-colored cloth,
Twinkling indigo, midnight skies,
The first taste of autumn in a warmed coffee cup,
Hazel scented steam twisting everywhere…
Fiery eyes of gold and dreams of silver hair,
A glinting smile, a smirk….

The softest touch,
And inked vines coiled across softer skin,
Sleeping lilies and koi fish across bronze tinted plates,
And the comforting hand, the reassuring gesture,
For fear of metallic insanity….

Peeking from behind silver scales,
Towering above like sharpened swords,
Smiling to myself,
I watch your careful eye,
The weight of your shoulder against

CanvasThe staining ink of your darkest Sharpie,
The bitter scent both relaxing and startling…
The gentle tug of felted tips and pen on skin…
Just rest my head down,
Let the shivers take me,
I wish you could experience something similar,
But I wouldn't know how to explain,
How wonderful it feels,
When I become your canvas.

Closing my eyes,
I listen to your steady breaths,
Your soft but precise movements on my skin,
My arm stretched across the cool wood,
My knuckles lightly touching your chest…
I think, if I lay still enough,
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin…
When you set that ink upon my skin,
I forget a

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Submitted: August 16, 2012
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[x]

I Won't Exist...

by ~topazcat511, Aug 16, 2012, 4:46:13 PM
Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

I sit here on a sunken bed,
Surrounded by bright, meaningless colors,
The room itself numbed by patterns and details,
So many treasures,
So many "important" awards, trophies,
So many perfectly stacked books,
So many perfectly arranged pictures of a perfectly posing girl,
All of it means nothing, NOTHING!!!
And yet everything…
Every little freaking thing in this little freaking room,
Is a part, a piece, a puzzle,
Of my existence…All of this is me as I exist in their eyes….
Sometimes I just want to sweep my arm across the dresser,
Throw everything to the floor,
Watch the cheap perfume bottles shatter, sending hazy fumes into the air.
Sometimes, I just want to stab a knife through the paintings,
ripping straight down and leave the canvas flying.
Breaking all the sculptures, decided I won't exist anymore.
Sometimes, I just really want to break these windows I sleep by,
And slip my pale legs through the shattered glass.
I want to hold the match and let it lick my finger,
I want to feel the kiss of the winter night on my bare skin,
I want to sleep on the grass and watch the stars shift slowly,
While someone special whispers promises in my hair.
I want to do the craziest, angriest, emotional actions possible,
And it often feels like my mind is a corked bottle, slowly shaken,
Ready to burst.
I won't exist anymore, I don't want to be…

I Won't Exist...by ~topazcat511

Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

...comment if you will...

~Kailani-e Aug 17, 2012 Student Traditional Artist

That's beautiful.

You exist, here, in your writing, in this floating cloud of a world. And it's beautiful.

~topazcat511 Aug 17, 2012 Hobbyist Writer

thank you, that really touched my heart

~Kailani-e Aug 19, 2012 Student Traditional Artist

~SecretlyFading Aug 17, 2012 Student Writer

Somehow I can really relate to this...just quite can't figure why it strikes a cord in me.

~topazcat511 Aug 17, 2012 Hobbyist Writer

I'm glad though ^_^

~exactlywhatiseem Aug 16, 2012

I think you've got a small typo line 8: 'if' should probably be 'of'.
I like your repetition and the descriptions. The whole piece is very real. There are a few spots where you slip the tense, but overall it's well written
and I know the feeling.

~topazcat511 Aug 16, 2012 Hobbyist Writer

Thank you so much ^_^

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