Sta.sh
Falling through their split-laced curtain,
Their venom-gilded web,
I extend my hand towards their bitter cackling,
Trying to hold on to my existence….
My mentality…
They are my blood,
They are my family,
But every glance is two-faceted,
And every remark is double its original worth.
They will never accept me,
They will never understand,
And the metallic sharpness,
Creates acid from their lips,
And the stinging denial,
Gives birth to underlying hatred.
I dance between both worlds known to me,
But I'd prefer to be in only one.
I lie through my teeth daily,
I put on a show and pretend,
And I constantly remind myself I am stronger,
I will survive their sickening trials….
If I know that I am stronger,
That I can do this until I am free,
Then why do I find myself holding myself together at night,
Crying in the corner of a chilled shower tile,
Wondering why I never feel like I have a future,
Where they will accept me for what I am doing and have been doing…
I hate having to lie,
I hate having to know that I am a lie,
That I am lost mentally, morally, spiritually, even physically…
And here I am,
My fingers slipping from the edge of the breaking stone,
The crumbling canyon turned to chalk,
And all I really need is for someone to reach down and take my hand,
Telling me that I am stronger,
And that everything...everything will be okay…
Even though every dawn seems darker than the last,
And every word more lost than the past,
And I can't seem to remember….
Who I am… anymore….
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I'm not sure, but it's possible there's a typo there.
And I can't tell you everything will be ok, but I can tell you it's much more important not to lie to yourself. Trying to be someone you're not in order to please someone else is never the right path to take. Good luck. Just focus on being true to yourself and see where that takes you. Just remember to stay somewhat grounded - emotions and hormones and such can be powerful things.
I have no choice in the matter though...